December 18, 2011
The Lesser Known “I Don’t Have a Dream” Speech - Friends, Season 5

Last night I went to go see my hero, Adam Carolla, perform stand-up at the Orpheum.  It was a blast.  I got to shake his hand, and he signed my copy of “In 50 Years We’ll All be Chicks”. 

Here’s the interesting thing: He ended his set talking about going after your dreams.  Really!  He showed the audience how he went from making about $3k a year in his late 20s to the 7-figure net worth he now has.  He encouraged everyone not to listen to those who try to hold them back.  This was all great advice but for one small thing:  What if you don’t have a dream to chase? 

That’s me.  I have no dream, no passion, no “If I had all the money in the world, I’d do blank” type of anything in my life.  The only dream I have in life is to not hate working.  So in answer to the age old question of what I’d do if I had all the money in the world, I would spend my time eating my way from one end of Europe to the other.  Then I’d probably turn around and do it again. 

(Note to self on possible dream jobs:  Food taster.)

I read an interesting piece here about the death of a dream. I really could relate to how the author felt about not working in her dream job.  Hating where you are from the hours of 8 to 5 for five days a week is a fucking life-suck.  But I also couldn’t help feeling a little jealous because at least at one time in her life she had an interest in doing something.  I’m still waiting for that.

A lot of people suggest to me that I monetize my hobbies.  The trouble is I don’t really have any.  But if you know anyone that will pay me to read, eat, make scrapbooks/other various crafts, or run 10Ks at a slow-to-average pace, then please send them my resume.  Yes, I like to write my blogs, but I think the chances of supporting myself by doing so are the same as moving to LA to “make it”. We’re a dime a dozen. Yes, I do have an obsession with food and wish I had majored in nutrition instead of business (twice!).  However, leaving the workforce to go back to school isn’t an option for someone who is anti-debt.  And yes, I’d start my own business if I had a clue as to what kind of business I wanted to start.

(Note to self on possible dream jobs:  Andy Rooney’s younger, hipper, female replacement)

I still hold out hope that one day someone will say “I know what would be the perfect job for you!” and then blurt out something super obvious that I’m totally qualified for and is actually something I could get hired to do.  But it’s hard enough to get hired and/or noticed in the field in which I already work.

Someone once told me we’re not supposed to get our happiness from work; we should get it elsewhere.  Well big, fat, duh.  I’m not trying to get happiness from work.  I’m trying to not be made miserable by it.  In addition to non-misery, I’d like a livable wage that affords me the opportunity to contribute to a savings account, 401k, and medical.  I have not raised the bar very high, and I’m still unable to get over it. 

(Note to self on possible dream jobs:  Will whine on the Internet for food and 401k match)

October 4, 2011
Pissing Off Poor People

A poor person read my food stamp blog and sent me a nastygram. She (I think it was a she, she told me to suck her dick, so I’m still confused) reblogged me on tumblr and went on to bitch about how she was on food stamps, and I was wrong. 

She started by saying this: “FIRST:  turkey cold cuts = not healthy. Neither are your canned beans. those two alone, in one day is probably a weeks worth of sodium”.

Where the pauper fails here is in her understanding basic math.  A two-slice serving of the turkey cold cuts currently in my fridge is 9% of one’s daily sodium intake.  An entire can of beans is 12% of the RDA for sodium.  So no, “my” canned beans and turkey are not a week’s worth of sodium.  Turkey cold cuts are and always will be better for you than anything on a fast food dollar menu.  The po’ chick’s lack of math skills and basic grammar knowledge may paint the true picture of why she’s impoverished.

That, and she has a kid.  She didn’t have the kid on purpose *gasp*, and she’s not married to its dad.  Oh, but she doesn’t regret accidentally getting knocked up and being unable to support her spawn.  She should.  She went on to call me out for thinking she can afford to buy a crockpot or other pots and pans to cook with.  She also doesn’t get her hair or nails done.  Her kid is on free lunch at school, and it’s healthy.  She gets to eat waffles…waffles dammit!  And If I want to blame someone, I need to blame Republicans.  Because apparently Republicans poked holes in her condoms?  OK, that statement was a little outrageous; obviously this chick doesn’t use condoms. 

To quote Adam Carolla (as I love to do): “Hey, single moms! How much better has your life been since the 2008 election? Got an Escalade in the driveway and a kid in college?”  Um, no.  And why?  Well let’s reference another one of my faves: Dave Ramsey.  He teaches that it’s not up to the government to change your life or get you a job.  Both of these men regularly state that it doesn’t matter who’s in office.  It’s on you.

So here’s where I’m torn.  Like most people on the dole, she is perfectly capable of supporting herself if she wanted to.  She doesn’t want to.  Obviously Fanny Food Stamp is hard-headed and feels like the government owes her.  I feel like people abuse government handouts.  I also feel that when abused, a government handout does far more harm than good to those suckling at the teat of the government they claim to hate.  If I contacted this chick, I’d never get through to her.  But in all honesty, I want to befriend her so I can get a look at her finances and teach her how to be financially self sufficient.  It would be like a project for me! 

But why do I care?  Dave Ramsey also talks about the positive feelings that come along with being out of debt and changing your family’s future.  So I leave you with a great story that I hope I’m remembering correctly. When my friend’s future husband was planning to propose, he went to her dad to ask for her hand.  Her dad, who I’ve known and adored since I was five, sat him down in true dad fashion to discuss his plans for a future.  When her husband retells the story, he remembers his now-father-in-law saying “When you are able work hard and provide for your family, it makes you feel ten feet tall.”

I love it.

June 25, 2011
Cherry Coke Total Lack of Career Success

I recently took to that wonderful Facebook to post a question I heard on the Adam Carolla Show podcast:  Your porn star name is no longer “pet’s name/street you grew up on.”  It’s now “favorite drink/biggest insecurity.”  So what’s yours?  

Nice to meet you; I’m Cherry Coke Total Lack of Career Success. 

I was bombarded with some hilarious answers that all followed the same trend:  My friends think they’re fat. 

I’ve got a college buddy in LA who is one of the best money managers I know, and he believes he has man boobs.  My friend in Salt Lake who just landed a job as a marketing director for a radio station was concerned that she’s a fat girl.  And my former boss who climbed to be the general manager of a quintessential boy’s club thought she was a “chubby bitch”. 

I got a ton of laughs out of everyone’s responses, but I also felt the urge to strangle most of them while screaming “So what if you don’t like your body!  I am a size six, and I was on unemployment for over a year!  I worked in a donut shop!”

Unlike most Americans, I wasn’t laid off; I quit.  The fucked up thing is that I don’t regret it.  In fact, if I had it to do again, I’d quit in spectacular fashion.  Perhaps I’d tell my boss what a worthless, under-qualified piece of shit she was.  Ah, a girl can dream.  I had eight months worth of savings when I quit, and I collected unemployement since I was able to prove to the state’s satisfaction that I came from a hostile work environment, brought that to management’s attention, and both management and HR chose to do nothing.  (I still have the letter from the state.  It makes me smile.)   I have a bachelor’s degree in Supply Chain Management and an MBA from Arizona State.  I have 12 years of experience in my field, and I taught business at Scottsdale Community College for three years. 

I didn’t find full-time work for 18 months.

It only recently hit me that I have a lot of anger over what has happened in my life over the past three years.  A few things pushed me to realize this.  For starters, my friends who have had career success are insecure about their looks.  I want to shake them until they can all appreciate what they’ve acheived.  (Side note:  I happen to think they all look great!)  Second, I started a new job this year doing exactly what I was doing in 2003.  The gal who trained me on SAP had just graduated from ASU two months prior.  And lastly, this link;

This link made me want to fucking spit nails. 

So instead of medicating myself, I’m getting my anger out here over a series of blogs about the life of an unemployed MBA. 

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